


Don't Wanna Feel Tonight

by shamrock



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-16
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamrock/pseuds/shamrock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faith reflects on the night she kills Finch. Songfic to David Gray's White Ladder (Originally posted March 16th 2001 - yeah, David Gray... remember him?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Wanna Feel Tonight

//white ladder water and wine   
forever crying 'oh time'  
don't wanna feel tonight//

I killed a man tonight.

I should feel guilty or angry or scared. I should feel something. But I've survived this long by keeping tight control over what I do and don't allow myself to feel. It's a skill I learned young. And I don't wanna feel tonight.

I don't wanna feel at all. From here on out it's gonna be all action, I can see that now. It's funny actually, just how clearly I can see how this is gonna play out. I guess I've known since I arrived in Sunnyhell that this is where it would all go down.

I've spent the last few months looking over my shoulder, I spent all the years before that watching my back. Now it's time to make a stand, now that I've found the right person to make it against. After tonight I know that it's only a matter of time before's there's gonna be a confrontation between us. Sooner or later we're gonna throw down, and it's anyone's guess who'll come out on top.

There's probably only one person in this world that I'll admit, even if it's only to myself, is my equal, and that's Buffy Summers.

When I staked that guy tonight it was so fucking surreal, he should have dusted, but he just bled. For a moment I thought I had just missed the heart and any second he was gonna vamp out and come at me. But instead he died.

And she looked at me with this expression that I couldn't quite read. Those beautiful green eyes looking at me in disbelief and horror and sympathy. And though she tried to cover it there was something accusatory about it too.

And that's when everything fell into place. It's odd how calmly I can look back at things, shutting the emotions off. It's not really denial, I know what I did, I know it was wrong, severely wrong. But at the same time it was kinda what was expected of me. That I'd screw up, that I'd fuck things up time after time. That's what everyone's always told me, with two exceptions.

First was my Watcher. She told me I had potential, she believed in me. I let her down, in the worst way. I watched what they did to her, watched as they nearly killed her, watched as they turned her. Saw the yellow gleam in her eyes as she vamped out for the first time.

They left us alone in a room together, maybe they thought I wouldn't fight her, that I couldn't kill her. They were wrong.

Then there's Buffy. In one way we're practically strangers still, but there's something that connects us that no one else on this goddamned planet has. And there's something else about her, aside from the Slayer deal, aside from the great body, aside from that mouth that's just begging to be kissed long and hard, that draws me to her. She's seen so much, fought the monsters and the demons. She's gone through all the shit that's been thrown at her and come out the other side still being able to trust in people. Still believing that human nature is something good. I want so much to be able to believe that, I thought that maybe, with her, I could learn to do that again. Guess I'll never know now, never know what we could have had.

//there's no rhyme or reason to love   
this sweet love//

Because now I've commited the ultimate fuck up. I took a life. And I know she was able to forgive Angel because he didn't have a choice in what he did. No soul equals major carnage, that's the way it is. With me I had a choice. I let myself feel that bloodlust, I embrace it, use it, love it. And now I'm gonna have to pay for it.

And it's a high price. Whatever chance I may have had with B is well and truly gone now. Maybe, maybe if I had managed to get her away from Angel I could have won her over, but now I've no hope. I could see that when she looked at me. That was when I stopped being her potential anything and became her responsibility.

//to the night another body   
to the night another name//

I'm trying not to think about that guy, but I keep seeing his face. His shocked, disbelieving face as he looked down and saw the stake in his chest. But I'm not gonna let myself feel the guilt that's hovering just on the edge of my senses. I weighted the body and dumped it. Gave him up to the depths of the Sunnydale docks.

He had a name, and a family I'm sure. Some mother's son. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe he was like me. No family, just a memory of a place he could have called home but didn't. Maybe I did him a favour.

I don't know, and I don't want to.

//to the night another valentine   
a burning flame//

I don't want to know, I don't want to think. I don't want to feel. I just want it all to be over with.

My responsibilities. My duty. My life...

All to be over with. And Buffy's gonna be the one that ends it. If I let myself feel it, that thought would probably sadden me.

But I don't wanna feel tonight.


End file.
